> A Drunk Dunk!!
> *****************
> A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
> preacher baptizing people in the river.
> He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
> preacher.
>
> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
> alcohol,
> whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
>
> The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
> and
> asks the drunk,
>
> "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
> The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>
> The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a
> little longer this time.
>
> He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
> Jesus,
> my brother?"
>
> The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>
> By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
> water again---
> but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
> kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
> The preacher again asks the drunk,
> "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
>
> The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
> preacher,
> "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
> *****************************
> A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
> This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
> On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
> The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means
> business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money 
do
> you
> make a week?"
> A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I 
make
> $300.00 a week. Why?"
> The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two 
weeks'
> pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
> Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
> room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
> here?"
> With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza 
delivery
> guy from Domino's."
> *************************
> Subject: The Irish...
> Oh, the Irish!.......... Gotta love 'em!
> Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
> over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
> cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
> "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
> "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do 
that to you, he
> must have had something in his hand."
> "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a 
terrible
> lickin' he gave me with it."
> "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have
> something in your hand?"
> "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a 
thing of
> beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
> ===============================================
> An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
> city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
> road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, 
where have
> ya been?"
> "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
> "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few 
to drink
> this evening."
> "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his 
arms
> across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out 
of
> your car?"
> "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I 
thought I'd
> gone deaf."
> =======================================================
> Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
> arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've 
somethin'
> to tell ya".
> "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's 
my
> husband?"
> "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an 
accident
> down at the Guinness brewery..."
> "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
> "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm 
sorry."
> Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
> "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
> drowned."
> "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least 
go
> quickly?"
> "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
> ==================================================
> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
> and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my 
dear?"
> She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed 
away
> last night."
> The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he 
have
> any last requests?"
> She says, "That he did, Father."
> The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He 
said, 'Please
> Mary, put down that @#*% gun...'
> ====================================================
> A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
> confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
> times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there.
> Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,
> "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."